There were several comments that talked about the fact that what I was feeling is not just something I am experiencing but that others are in the same position and there is a growing desire for more and different. I love that but what are they doing and where are they at? Who are they? Are they in current ministry settings? Are they in the crowd just waiting for someone to lead them? Are they doing something about it? I know that there are those who are changing things and I love it, but what about those who feel the same and are not doing anything about it. The more I continue this journey the deeper my questions and answers take me and its a good thing but there is a part that is frustrating because I dont want to just put words down in my journal or on here and then never do anything about it. I want to live it out and be that catalyst for change. Someone has to do it so why not me? Why cant I do that? It's not about being the leader of a big group or becoming famous. If it were to ever come to that I would hope I would have the stones to quit. I just want more of God. I want more of His Grace, His Love, His Holiness, His Presence in my life. I know that it will have to change who I am and if I change it has to change those around me. My prayer is that God would use me as He desires. I think of Paul and seeing how he always hides himself behind the cross I know that fame was never his desire. I can honestly say that it's not mine as well. Some my ask why even discuss it and to be honest because we live in a world where fame is constantly sought after even by some in the ministry. I want to be about Christ and Him crucified.
I am tired of writing and speaking words that discuss being different and hit this idea of depth but then it never makes a lasting impact in my life or those that I am responsible for ministering to. I am tired of being in church but it never getting past the door frame of the sanctuary. Why is that we are content with sitting and listening saying our "Amens" "Hallelujahs" and "Praise The Lords" but when it comes to putting it into action or motion we forget the very message we so adamantly supported. I am tired of this. I am tired of self. I am tired of self-control. I am tired of self-containment of the life in me that the Grave could not even contain. Yet we live as if we have to be this prim and proper person without emotion unless in the right place in the service. The Gospel I read and want to be apart of is dangerous. It's challenging. It's dirty. It's not polite. It doesn't hold back but fully releases the Glory of The One Who Came To Save. It takes the very presence of God and allows it to explode all over life so that one can not experience it and then just sit and enjoy.
So what does that look like in a practical, hands on, lived out life? How do I take words that resonate in my heart and make them work their way to my hands and feet, to my head so that I think, act, and live differently? I know it's possible and I know the "answer" but I want more. I hope that this post makes sense and doesn't resemble the nonsense that I know it looks like in my head. More to come.
I am outie 5000,