Voices

While I have been better at the other things I have wanted to do this next year this is one area that I have struggled with for a few reasons. The first being I am not sure how many people are going to read this and I wonder if it is worth my time. Second I want to make sure that this is more than just I did this today but something that causes me to risk and to put who I am as a real individual out there. The purpose of this blog is to show my journey with Christ and what He is showing me and how the journey is evolving and how I am evolving in my faith. I finally decided how to address those two issues. First, this is not so much about people but it is about me just sharing my heart and being open. This has to be about me being able to look back and see just what was happening in my life and to track my journey. The second issue I have not written for awhile not because God has done amazing things in my life but I just havent taken the time to share them. That is the plain and simple truth but today something happened that really spoke to me and to be honest I knew I needed to share so I can look back and remember this day.

We are entering a stage of life with Ally where she just loves to talk. Her vocabulary is growing all the time and there are times that I swear she is saying phrases or words that fit the situation but I dont think it is really clicking for her yet what it means. Typically in the mornings I drive her to her sitters house and drop her off. Our sitter doesn't live far from us so it's not that much time but there is something about that time that I cherish. In fact I long for that time with Ally. It's just me and her. Sometimes we have the radio on and if a fast song is playing we are dancing and I am singing the words and she is just talking her baby gibberish but it's our time. Other times we just sit and silence and I just look at her and I am amazed how much she has changed in the 19 months that we have had her. Then I think about how much I must have changed in the 19 months since she has been here. This time together is so sweet. It was during this drive time yesterday that God spoke to me but it was more like a realization than Him telling me something but it was powerful and life changing none the less.

It was one of those days with Ally where she was in a really silly mood. She had picked out the clothes that she wanted to wear, the coat that we typically have her wear to church she wanted to wear to Patty's. Instead of her tennis shoes she wanted her Elmo slippers. She was just being too cute. As we were driving, the radio was on but it was a fast song that we could dance and laugh too but it was just providing background noise and Ally was just talking away. She was having a full blown conversation with me that I had no clue what it was about but she did and it was so important that she share with me what she knew and had to say. As I sat there and just listened and smiled and longed to hear more from her it hit me that this is what God wants from us. He longs to just hear from us. He wants to hear our voices telling Him things and it might not come out in a way that makes sense but He still wants to hear. He looks forward to the times where we just jabber away and He can sit there and smile and laugh and look on His child with all the love that He has for them. It hit me that when I dont take Ally to the sitters, I miss that. I miss that time and my day just isn't complete without that. It's not like we drive for 30 minutes or an hour and its a forced time to get Ally to share. Its this time that she just shares with me what is going on. Her words make no sense but I love to hear her voice. God wants that from us and too often and I think He really misses it when we don't spend that time. Now I realize that we don't control God but I think because of His infinite amount of love for us, He wants to hear our voices. He wants to spend time with us and sit there and laugh at what say and do. Not in a mean spirited way but in a way that allows us to see Him delighting in us. I hate when I miss that will Ally how much more does God hate when He misses that time with us? We are His children. He wants to share in our day. He wants to turn on the radio and dance and be silly with us and to laugh as we smile and don't care if we look silly.

I realized that I am keeping from God the very thing that I hate to miss in my daughters life. I realized that not only is God missing that kind of time with me but I am missing the time that a father is able to just express His love over His child. Ally knows that I love her so much during that time. She hears it from me and I cant wait to share with those whom I am close with what happened during that morning drive or the night before at home. It's this time together although I don't fully understand her it still is exciting for me to spend the time. God wants to spend this time with us as well. He isn't going to force us into it. He isn't going to strap us into a seat and then make us talk to Him about anything and everything but He wants to hear from us. He wants to hear our voice and our words and even if what we are saying or how we are saying we don't think makes sense He wants that from us. He is not looking for us to be very proper in how we talk, He just wants us to talk. He wants to hear about the day. He wants to know how we are feeling. He wants to enjoy just hearing the sound of our voices. He is not looking for a forced conversation. In fact I wonder if He would rather have no words than words that are not spoken in a freedom of love and excitement.

How often have I stolen from Him moments that we could have shared because I didnt think He would care or I have just been lazy and not shared? How many times have I kept from Him the joy of just allowing Him to laugh at me as I am being silly in His presence because I think the time would be better spent being serious? Instead of being this beautiful thing that just flows because of relationship, I fear I have caused it to become this time of forced, uncomfortable conversation that He hears and responds to because He has promised He will be there but it could be so much more. Simply two voices sharing in a conversation with laughter and excitement and joy that the other is just there.

I am outie 5000,

Robb